Hilarious church signs have been something that we have been able to enjoy for many years. It is great to see but quite hard to believe that most of these message boards were put together by those who work at or are affiliated with a place of worship. It is refreshing to see, that through good times and bad, churches right across North America have not lost their sense of humour and are doing the best they can to adapt and evolve with the times. Some signs can be rather witty, some a little naughty, and some just may end up making us rethink a few things. With not enough time to look at the thousands of entries, let's take a look at just 40 of the wackiest church signs from the past decade.
1. 'I'll Take The Lift'
It does not take much effort for someone to find themselves residing for all eternity in the firey depths below, however, one must take the long tiresome walk up the stairway to heaven in order to earn their place in the clouds.
Imagine if it was actually a stairway to heaven. One or two flights of stairs are bad enough sometimes, walking up that flight of stairs would just be horrible. Installing an escalator sounds more like it. Pick a step, sit down, and enjoy the ride.
2. 'Social Networking'
Many businesses and organizations use online marketing in order to get their image out into their communities. Kudos to the Central Baptist Church for their attempt at getting the attention of the youth.
Seen whose face? I may have seen one horror movie too many but usually the people who have seen that face have usually been to the pearly gates. Are these really the right people to be associating with?
3. 'Taking Notice'
"For anyone who has been struggling to achieve the body type that is just perfect for themselves, stop worrying. The Knox Presbyterian Church has the answer we have all been searching for."
"It is never too late to get that smoking hot body that we have all been after. With this new technique the afterlife will have as all saying 'look at the ash on that one!'"
4. Thinking Out Loud
That which can be ironed must contain at least one wrinkle. Does it not make one wonder why it is that in order for cloth to dry without a blemish, we must first dampen it? Why is it that 'wet' must beget 'dry'?
For anyone on their way over to the Northwest Baptist Church this Sunday for the laundry drive, we are going to need some extra hands to help fold all of the clothes after it's been ironed.
5. In For The Score
Sports fans everywhere have been known to try and communicate with a higher being of one kind or another in order to help their team win. Some teams, like the Kansas City Chiefs, already have a bit of an advantage as they are frequently mentioned in the bible, thus already more than just an afterthought.
However, much like the end of Superbowl 54 and to the chagrin of San Francisco football fans everywhere the 49ers were no where to be found in the bible.
6. 'Pillow Talking'
'Misteaks' may only be made on 'rare' occasions and although the 'errare' may have been millions of years ago, they still do happen. In the nearly 11 minute track, 'Pillow Talking feat. Brain', rapper Lil Dicky asked a great question...
If mistakes are not made, then "what about the dinosaurs?". An entire species was created and wandered the Earth for a while only to be completely wiped out by an 'act of God'. Sounds like someone realized they may have made a bit of a 'misteak'.
7. 'Not In My House'
At one point or another through time almost every religion has attempted to enlighten others with their views while seemingly forgetting that you can not force anyone to believe in something, it must come from within themselves.
This bodes true not just for Christians but for everyone. It is hard to believe that a higher being of any kind would condone the hateful treatment of others coming from their followers.
8. Mind Games
To keep one's friends close and their enemies closer is a very wise way to lead one's life. However, by loving our enemies we use psychological warfare to throw a curve ball at those who choose to hate.
Any true hockey fan will know that this sign must be from a church in Calgary, Alberta. There is not anyone out there who dislikes the Edmonton Oilers more than the fans of the Calgary Flames do.
9. 'Got Any Syrup?'
I have just one question for the fine folks over at South Lakewood Baptist Church...
If a french person does not choose the bread of life, does that make them french toast?
10. 'Time To Go'
When light is blocked by an object a shadow is formed on the other side of said object. Without light there can be no shadows. Likewise if a place is empty...no shadows.
The kind folks at this church would therefore have us believe that upon Jesus' arrival, either light leaves the room or everything else does.
11. 'Who's Got a Fuzzy Belly?'
Every pet person has two very different personalities. One is the person that we see out in the world every day and the other is the one that is reserved only for their pets.
People care about their pets more than they care about most other people they meet. Perhaps it is because these animals are completely reliant upon their person for survival, or perhaps it may just be because they can't talk back. Either way, if everyone was as kind to other people as they are to their pets, this world would be a much better place.
12. 'Changes'
Through the centuries humankind has constantly been attempting to learn from their mistakes. While not quite being able to succeed in these efforts, it was for lack of trying.
For thousands of years bias and prejudice have been finding their ways into the upper echelon of society. It is rather unfortunate that this persists. Humankind will continue to fail in their quest to learn from past events if even a small percentage of these individual still abuse the trust of those they have been sworn to protect.
13. 'Helping Hand'
Even the most seasoned rider needs an adjustment period when the training wheels come off. A bicycle that is two tired is much more useful than a wheely tired person.
A little food for thought: If a bike has trouble standing on its own we get it a kickstand to help prop itself up, but if a person has trouble standing on their own they are usually given dirty looks. Something does not quite add up here.
14. Time To Hit The Slopes
Think for a moment of how, from the time that the first people saw water fall from the sky, humankind have been praying for everything from food to money to fall in its place.
One can only assume that the individual to whom this sign was speaking, was either an Israelite wandering the desert or an Olympian from the 2010 Winter Olympics.
15. 'We're not talking about Texas'
Honesty is always the best policy. At the Clays Mill Road Baptist Church they don't beat around the bush.
It is fantastic to see that even after an event like a theft they are still able to find a way to lighten the mood.
16. 'Just breathe'
One of the worst parts of any day is the time that is spent staring at the back of the car in front of us, for what seems like an eternity, while on the way home from work.
Being stuck in rush hour is already trying enough as it is, but now this? If that is not a threat to take seriously, I am not sure what is.
17. 'Sharing Is Caring'
Upon considering the lifespan of humanity as a species, technology has come a considerable way in a very short time. Thousands of years ago however, the internet signals were not quite as strong as now. Pre wifi people used to have to stand as close to the source as possible.
Just look at Moses. He went as close as he could to the heavens above in order to connect to the cloud. It wasn't very inclusive however, for him to test out his new tablet while the rest of the Israelites had to wait down below.
18. 'Actually, I'm Vegan'
There was a time when people would go to a restaurant, sit down at a table, order a meal and be able to enjoy that meal at the restaurant. One faux pas in these social interactions, would be to judge someone based on the meal they would order.
Who is to say that a well done prayer cannot be said by an individual who prays only on rare occasions? Judging a person by the fequency of prayer is no different than judging them based on the food they eat.
19. 'Use The Farce'
A long time ago and in a galaxy far far away, Princess Leia was attempting to bring the rebellion back from the edge of defeat. Things were not so different in a Galilee far far away...
"Pursued by Herod's agents, the three wise men race to the manger aboard their three white camels in search of the child who would be 'King of the Jews', and bring freedom to the common folk."
20. Sharing The Load
Sts. Peter and Paul's Ukrainian Church was one the first to ensure that belly buttons everywhere would no longer have to take on the burden of lent by themselves.
For years, belly buttons around the world willingly gave up the things they loved in order to show their commitment to their faith, but no more! This year, lent will be observed by both belly buttons and pockets.
21. 'It's A Trap'
Poor grammer, admittance of very high temperatures, and the attempt to entice those around to draw near. This sounds like the work of a certain 'Prince of Darkness'.
Anyone who remembers Schwartzenegger's film 'End Of Days' (1999), would know that nothing good comes from a sweltering church with signs that are trying to lure us inside. For those who have not seen the film, do so immediately.
22. 'Often Enough'
The frequency to which someone attends church service should not be the method used in measuring one's faith.
Most topics are just fine to raise in regular conversation, but some things are a little personal and better left alone.
23. 'Cover Up'
Uh yes. One of the more popular passages of 2020/2021. If it were not for the early writings in 'Hygenesis' there are many things that would have remained untaught.
Dating back to the ancient biblical days they had to wear masks. Sometimes to protect from the sand and sometimes to protect the truth. If they could still breathe while wearing masks in the desert heat, surely no one should have a problem now.
24. 'Please Back Up A little'
Disclaimer: Although someone may be immune themselves this does not mean that they cannot be a carrier and infect others. Social distance and stay safe.
Side Note: Please do not listen to this sign, we are still not sure how long anti-bodies stay in the system after an injection of faith.
25. Wants Vs Needs
Why should one eat, if they do not feel the desire that comes with hunger? Why would one drink, if they do not feel the desires of thirst and why study if not attempting to quench one's thirst for knowledge?
The use of decaf coffee is something that has the ability to confuse even the most educated of minds. If not for trying to stay alert coffee would not have much of a purpose. So, why take the caffeine out of something when its main purpose is meant to include said caffeine.
26. 'Nailed It!'
Whether it be a hole in couch or a broken pipe, from the time that duct tape first hit the scene, it has had the ability to fix pretty much anything. It essentially became 'The Fonz' of the hardware store.
Unlike The Fonz was for Richie, duct tape was not there for us from the beginning. If duct tape would have made an appearance a few thousand seasons earlier perhaps they would have been happier days.
27. 'Call Now!'
"Having trouble getting to work? Has the donkey turned into a real ass or the elephant having trouble remembering the way? Do not fret, for we have got the answer!"
"New to the market is the 'lamb of god'. Fresh ideas for fresh religions. Have no more trouble finding the right path, just follow the 'lamb of god'. Call John at 1:29 or 1:36 to order now."
28. 'Grate Stuff'
"Led by, Monte Rey Jack, The Cheese Wheel Revolution of the mid-20th century is something that changed the 'coarse' of cheese forever. As we all know, the revolution was a success and the first packaged shredded cheese hit the shelves in 1958. But not everyone was onboard for these changes..."
"Fearing this change Albert Simon Iago (A.S.Iago for short) rallied those around to contest the pre-shredding of cheeses everywhere. They would 'Make America Grate' again if it was the last thing they would do."
29. Times Like These
How can one know that something is great without first knowing something less great for comparison. One cannot truly appreciate the better days in life if not first experiencing something worse. It is these moments that the strengths that dwell deep within are revealed.
During these trying times it is especially important to remember that as much as something may hurt at the time, it will get better. Joey Tribbiani is off cringing somewhere with approval.
30. 'Building Character'
Domestic abuse is a very serious subject and not one to be taken lightly. One of the main concerns for the future of those, who have suffered this type of abuse, is that they may one day follow the example that they were shown.
It looks like a certain Nazarene has taken a page out of his father's 'good book' of parenting. Always remember, no one would ever hurt someone they truly love.
31. Don't Let Go
How can one fear the consequences of their actions, if they are unaware that they exist to begin with. Telling someone to take a leap of faith is another way of asking them to remember what it was like to have the fearlessness of a child.
Not having a safety line to pull us back up when we fall is something that holds most people back from attempting to achieve their dreams. As children we had no fear. We were not afraid to try or say anything because we were unaware of the challenges and dangers that possibly awaited us.
32. 'Coming Out Of Their Shell'
Living in an enclosed place for all of one's life could be a very tough thing to do. Life is not easy when one has to be concerned about the things at which they laugh.
Life as an egg just seems tough. Not only are they stuck in their shell most of their lives, but if they laugh at the wrong yolk they'd crack themselves up.
33. 'No Parking'
Most establishments threaten to have trespassers prosectued or towed if they use their parking lots. This church found the perfect way to scare people away from taking spots away from would-be worshippers.
Putting this sign outside of a church is funny, but putting this sign at home is a good way to keep people from breaking and entering. If a burglar sees a sign that says 'trespassers will be baptized' the odds are they are not taking that chance.
34. 'The Blame Game'
This is just fantastic. The Canadian Memorial Centre For Peace has got it right. At no time is okay to turn our backs on those in need during trying times.
In these tough and uncertain times it is more important to remember that lending a helping hand is a lot less effort than building a bigger fence.
35. 'Loud And Proud'
When one believes in something, no matter what it may be, it is best to believe whole-heartedly and without reservation. If one is proud of these beliefs (as they should be), there is nothing wrong with saying so.
The folks at the Temple of Prayer and Peace in Napanee, Ontario, have the right idea but not quite the right words to convey their point.
36. 'Kick The Bucket'
In the days of yesteryear, before the times of honking horns for various reasons, one must be curious as to how someone on horseback managed to display to those around them that they too 'Love Jesus' or were 'feeling randy'. Perhaps there was a bucket on a post for them to kick as they passed by the church. The sign would have read, 'Kick The Bucket If You Love Jesus'.
With similar odds as Russian Roullette, texting while driving accounts for almost 10% of all vehicle related fatalities in the United States every year. That is almost three thousand Americans every year who 'kick the bucket' and get to that meeting early.
37. 'Passport Please'
As far as I'm concerned if there are any spirits at all within us, there are too many. It should not matter what one's beliefs are as long as they are a decent enough person. Even the pope has said that there is a place in heaven for Atheists.
With pre-marital relations and infidelity being rather frowned upon in Christianity, then if this sign were to be taken at face value then no one is getting into heaven.
38. A Different Path
Every path which we follow is dictated by each individuals' perspective. It is much easier to spit insults at those who are different than to swallow one's pride and attempt to learn a new perspective.
It is hard to tell if the people at Grottoes Church of God realized what they were putting up on that board, or if they truly thought that they were being deep and insightful. Either way, I think they meant 'love' not 'forgiveness'.
39. Who Said That
Scary movies have been teaching us ways to avoid imminent danger for decades. For instance if one were to hear a voice they did not know calling to them, and telling them to come closer, it is probably wise to go the other way.
If the voice belongs to someone who has been dead for a couple of thousand years or even just a few minutes, it doesn't matter what they are saying, it's time to hightail it outta there.
40. 'Fake News'
Thanks to the social media age, the ability to trust the news we read has become increasingly difficult in recent years.
Something is not right in the world when we are being told that it's better to read a history book than to know what is going on in the present.