There's a lot of debate as to the correct way to parent your children. You may think you're doing the right thing, but that doesn't mean your kid does. Their are a lot of things that parents do these days that are considered "normal", but shouldn't be because it just traumatizes your children and makes them feel worthless. If you want to know some of the things you might be doing wrong, keep on scrolling.
Telling Them Your Personal Problems
Your child isn't your therapist, they don't want to know, and probably can't understand, all the things you're telling them. If you don't like their mother or uncle or something, they aren't the ones you need to tell.
These are the things you should wait until they are adults, too, to talk about. If they're too young to understand, they're going to get the wrong impression and that's going to mess up their mind.
"I Feed You, Buy You Things, Keep A Roof Over Your Head..."
This is so annoying to get from a parent. It's one of those things that parents say in order to get their way and is akin to a child's temper tantrum. It's your job to do those things, otherwise don't have a child!
If you tell this to your child you are just going to make them think that you don't care about them. They can't do anything independent of you, that's why they rely on you to teach them how not to abandon their children.
Calling A Friend Their Boy/Girlfriend
Not only is it embarrassing, but it's also a bit creepy. Just because your child has a close friend of the opposite gender doesn't mean you have to project your ideas of romance onto them.
It also reinforces the idea that kids of opposite genders can never be platonically involved. Also, it sets a heteronormative standard that shouldn't be forced upon developing kids. And if you do this for your kids with a same-gendered friend you're no better.
Giving In To A Crying Child
Doing this is just going to make your child think they can get what they want if they just yell or stomp loud enough. It's important to know when to say no to your child; they learn these things from you.
If you do this too often they're going to grow up to be spoiled and rude. They'll continue to act this way in more mature ways. Maybe they won't yell and scream anymore, but they might learn how to blackmail and bully.
Invalidating Their Emotions
Just because they might not know any better doesn't mean that it's okay to tell your child that what they're feeling is wrong. Our bodies produce emotions in accordance with the stimuli around us.
If you're making your child feel bad and they tell you you're being mean, telling them that's just how it works is not okay. You need to respect your child's feelings as well.
"You Can Tell Me, I Won't Be Mad"
This is so manipulative and it really shows what kind of a parent you are if you tell this to your child and then punish them for it. If you say this to get them to spill the beana, you better mean that you won't get mad.
Reacting poorly and aggressively after convincing them to tell you the truth is only going to condition them into keeping secrets and not trusting you. You want your child to feel like you're someone that is safe to talk to when they need to.
Getting Mad When You Lose The Argument
It's one thing to get mad at your child, but it's a whole other story if you blame them for your stupid mistakes. If your child makes a good point you should humor them and maybe take their words into account.
Besides, do you really want to continue to fight with them? Being mad because your child was right is petty and is a bad parenting skill. If it's a heated argument, let them win, and then cool off somewhere else.
Humiliation As A Form Of Punishment
There are so many ways you can properly teach your child that what they did was wrong. You can opt for negative punishment like removing their telephone privileges, or even just outright scold them.
Forcing your child to do something humiliating, like going to school in ugly clothing can be really traumatic and damaging to their self-esteem and even their social lives. Punishment is necessary sometimes, but not torture.
Invading Their Privacy
Your child is entitled to their secrets. If you think they are doing something potentially dangerous, there are ways to handle that situation without going through their phone.
Similarly, going through their room to look for things like drugs or pornography is not okay. If you think your child is doing something you don't approve of, you should try confronting them before resorting to such drastic measures.
Taking Away Privacy
Privacy is something that everyone is entitled to. Snooping through their phone or room is already so wrong and creates a distrustful relationship. They won't want to have anything to do with you anymore.
Doing something more permanent like removing their door is even worse. They won't feel like they have a safe space anymore and might start to feel super uncomfortable. And that's not even mentioning the problem with doing this to kids during puberty.
You Can't Fight Back Against A Girl
Let's be honest, everyone teaches their male children that it isn't okay to hit a girl or fight them. First of all, it's never okay to do this to anyone. Secondly, girls aren't as weak as society stereotypes them to be.
There are many girls who could knock a boy out, and if they are starting to bully them your child needs to defend themselves. Obviously, they should seek an adult's help, but if they start throwing punches and they can't defend themselves, they might end up in the hospital.
Forcing Them To Finish Their Food
If your child isn't hungry anymore, don't force them to finish their food. This isn't a matter of them not liking their vegetables, they genuinely can't fit any more food into their stomach.
Forcing them to eat can cause them to have a multitude of bad attitudes towards eating which in turn can lead to some pretty bad eating disorders. Food is important, please don't make them abuse it.
Forced Affection
It doesn't make sense to force your child to say "I love you all the time". They obviously do and will say it when they really feel that way. They won't feel that way if it loses its meaning, however. It will feel empty and strictly necessary.
Also, imagine they are dating someone and they have this idea that they have to say I love you in order for it to be a legitimate relationship. You don't want them to lie about it, they need to know that love is a fleeting and important feeling.
Comparing Them To Other Family Members
Everyone is different, and that's a good thing. Scientifically, it's good that we're all different; it's what helps us make it through challenging times and survive as a species. Emotionally, everyone wants to be unique in some way.
Don't make your child think "why can't I be like my sibling", they are special in their own way. You don't want them abusing themselves trying to outcompete the other members of their family. It's just not healthy.
"Just Wait 'Till Dad Gets Home"
What is this supposed to mean, anyway? Is your child supposed to be afraid of what their dad might do? That's just going to turn him into the villain of your child's life narrative.
The proper thing to do would be to scold them equally. Show your child that you are both adults and that your decisions matter. Don't make your child think their father is some big scary demon coming after them.
Overly Accommodating And Praising Your Child
If your child does a good job, that's great! Earning a reward will help reinforce those behaviors and insure that they continue to succeed and do the right things when they matter.
On the other hand, giving them too much praise and rewards can lead them to neglect other life skills. Letting them get away with not doing chores because they get good grades will not teach them how to be independent adults.
Overly Protective
Failure is important because just like the saying goes "we learn from our mistakes". If you're always there to protect your child they may not be able to learn some of these valuable life lessons.
You want them to be able to fend for themselves when they need to become more independent. But don't leave them all by themselves, obviously. Provide them a safety net and they should be all good.
Not Explaining Decisions
"Because I'm the parent" is not a good answer. Neither is "just because".You're just going to end up making them frustrated that you don't think they'll understand and they'll resist listening to you.
However, if you take the time to explain to your child why you're making that decision, you'll find that they might be a lot more willing to go along with your plan. They understand a lot more than you think, just give them a chance.
Making Girls Change When Male Family Comes
Even if it's not for male family members, but family in general, this kind of treatment is problematic. Telling your child to change to be more modest isn't something they should be worrying about, that's on the others to control themselves.
Maybe telling them to be more formal if they're in pajamas or something is ok, but clothing is a form of expression. Telling them to change because other people are coming is damaging to their self-esteem and is also not their problem.
Taking Away Things They Earned
If you didn't provide for them the thing they worked so hard for, you don't have the right to take it away. It doesn't matter if it's a phone or a car. The fact that they spent time working for it shows maturity.
For you to try to take something away like that just makes you seem like you don't care about the effort they put in. Instead, try a different punishment or even ask them to stop while explaining that you appreciate their hard work.
Forcing Them To Engage With People They Aren't Comfortable With
If your child doesn't feel comfortable around someone you invite over, be it family or a friend, you shouldn't force them to hug, kiss, or generally interact with them.
Also, bringing these people into their environment can be equally as distressing and should be avoided. There's probably a good reason they feel this way. Maybe try investigating that.
Refusing To Apologize
You expect your child to know when they need to apologize, so you should know when to as well. Moreover, you probably learned this as a child, too. What's the point of all that tie spent teaching you if you're just going to forget it.
If you make a mistake and your child is upset, you owe them an apology. Refusing to acknowledge your mistakes is just going to create distance and friction in your relationship with one another.
"Just Be Happy"
Depression is not something you should ignore. It can lead to so many other worse things like self-harm or reclusiveness. Never tell your child to "just be happy". It doesn't help.
Instead of invalidating their emotions (we spoke about this already) you should try to get to the bottom of the way they feel and seek them the help they need. It could just save their life one day.
Gaslighting Your Children
You shouldn't be telling your children lies just to make them stop crying. If they fall own and get hurt, telling them "you're okay" when they are crying on te floor is not going to help.
Telling them things like this and labeling them as "weak" or "selfish" or "rude" is just going to make them think there is something wrong with them. Let them know the feelings they are feeling are okay and help them feel better, not out of their minds.
Being Overly involved
It's good to be involved in your children's lives, but if you overdo it they're just going to avoid giving you a chance. You don't need to continuously spy on their dates and what they do when they go out.
Part of being a parent is teaching your child how to live independently and that also means you need to trust them sometimes. Give them a little space to be themselves.
Letting Your Children Bully Each Other
Turning a blind eye to your children when one of them is bullying the other is pure neglect. You might think it's a small fight, but to them it could be realy stressful for their relationship.
It's important that you teach your kids to respect each other as well as yourself. If they can't figure out the problem themselves it might be time to intervene and help them solve the issue.
Blaming Your Children For Being Spoiled
How can you call your child a spoiled brat when you are literally the root of the problem? If you don't like them being inundated with gifts and pampering, then you, as a parent, are obligated to stop it.
Don't get your child a bunch of toys and always treat them super well just to turn around and blame them for feeling privileged. That's just setting them up to fail and is incredibly disrespectful.
Listening Solely To Other Parents For Advice
It doesn't make sense to depend on others to help you raise your child. It's YOUR child and you need to learn how to treat them because you're the one they are going to be looking up to.
Getting advice here and there is fine, but you can't expect other people to always know how to handle your child. You're the one who has been living with them and it's really not that hard to get to know your own child when they've been living with you forever.
Empty Threats
Telling your child that you are going to take away their stuff and not doing it is so stressful. Not to mention it doesn't actually teach them the point of consequences.
Doing this is just going to leave them on edge all the time. You need to either follow through or just not saying anything at all. Enough with this "I'm going to throw away your stuff if you don't do XYZ".
Being Too Controlling
You can't expect your child to do everything you want them to do. They aren't a toy you can drag around and do whatever you want with, they are living people just like everyone else.
Your job as a parent is to be a guide, a provider, and a safety net for your children, not their prison warden. If you don't give them space to grow, they aren't going to develop properly.
Having Kids Before Addressing Your Own Childhood Trauma
If you have something that has been bothering you about your own childhood, it's important you address those issues before you end up projecting them onto your own children.
If you don't get the help you need, how are you going to help them? You might just accidentally start a cycle of traumatic experiences with them as well, and they definitely don't want that. Also, you deserve to be as happy as you want them to be.
Making Yourself The Victim
You've been raising your children for years, you don't have to pretend they are impossible to deal with just to avoid your responsibilities.
If you need help nurturing them, that's one thing. But to treat your children like they are a burden on you makes them feel like you don't care about them anymore.
Blaming Yourself For Being A Bad Parent In Front Of Your Kids
This is playing off of the last one a little bit. If you aren't feeling like you've been the best parent, you shouldn't be blaming yourself in front of your children. Self-criticism can be constructive, but it can also be destructive.
If you're feeling like you've been a terrible influence or haven't been treating them the way you want, you might need to seek professional help or guidance. You need to help yourself before you can help them.
Making Everything About Grades
Grades are not everything. There are countless examples of people who made a name for themselves and didn't do well in school or straight-up dropped out.
If your child isn't doing well in school, there could be a larger problem that hasn't been addressed. Or they might just need a tutor. Either way, you shouldn't make them feel like they will grow up to be a failure just because of their grades.
Putting Down Retail Workers As A Learning Example
Piggybacking off of that, you shouldn't use retail workers or any sort of minimum wage workers as an example of what your child will become if they don't do well in school.
On top of being extremely rude to the worker, you're also putting the wrong idea into their heads. Firstly, having a minimum wage job is important--someone has to do it. It's just unfortunate they don't get paid more. Secondly, there's nothing wrong with having a temporary position as whatever you want.
Violence Of Any Kind
This goes without saying, but you should never use violence to discipline your child or for any other reason. It doesn't matter if it's physical or verbal, it's not okay to be violent towards your children.
Even if you think you are disciplining your child, it might end up really traumatizing for them later in life. If you need to punish your child, try taking away some privileges or grounding them.
Calling Them Lazy When They're Struggling
If your child is struggling in school, that doesn't make them lazy. They can be trying as hard as they can and still struggle.
The fact is that not everyone is good at everything. It's important to understand that and help your child look for ways that they can continue to succeed. That's pretty much your job.
Picking Favorites
Your children may not all be perfect, but what do you think favoring one is going to do for their self-esteem? Even if you can't help feeling biased in some ways towards one or the other, you shouldn't show it.
Your children are all created equal and deserve the same treatment as the other. They're going to have their differences and that's normal. Treat them the way you treat the others; with love and care.
"When I Was Your Age"
This isn't even relevant. Saying something like this has no impact on your children because, news flash, the world has changed since you were young.
You can't treat your children the way you were treated. They aren't you and you need to grow and change with the world around you. One thing that might have been considered wrong in your time might have actually been okay if not for extremely conservative individuals.
Chastising Them For Not Being Who You Wanted Them To Be
You can't expect your child to follow in your footsteps. If they have interests that differ from yours, they are obviously going to want to chase those dreams. And you need to let them.
The same goes for a child who is coming out as anything non-heteronormative. The worst thing a parent can do is throw them out on the street. You need to love and respect who your child is. After all, you made them just the way they are, and that's usually a good thing.
Stopping To Fund Your Child When They Do Something You Don't Like
You are your child's caretaker as well as everything else. Taking away their allowance privileges is one thing, but to take away the money they need for things like school or food is just awful.
If your child is too young to fend for themselves you still need to be providing for them. And if they're at that moving-out age then you need to come up with a long term plan for them before cutting them off.
Demanding But Not Giving Respect
How can you talk about being respected when you can't even give your children the same thing? They obviously aren't going to listen to you if you're going to be hypocritical.
If you want your children to treat you the way a parent should be, you need to treat your children the way they should be treated. We're all people. Just because you helped create them doesn't mean they deserve less.
Telling Your Friends Things Your Child Would Consider Personal
If your child tells you something in confidence, that shouldn't be your next get-together dinner conversation. Your child's life is not a source of entertainment for you and your friends.
Also, if your child ever finds out that you told them it's just going to be really awkward and potentially traumatizing. Not to mention that you probably ruined their relationship with one another.
Scolding Them Over Small Mistakes
There are only so many times you can scold your child. At a certain point, you're just going to be looking to fight them if you nitpick at every little thing they do.
If you really need to teach them what they're doing is wrong you can help them by teaching them rather than making them feel bad every second of their lives. Kids are bound to make mistakes.
Immediately Losing Your Temper
We're not talking about potentially dangerous things that make you panic and scream at your kid. We're talking about regular things that can easily be solved with a conversation.
Getting angry right away is not the right way to deal with things and is mildly abusive. How do you expect your child to learn from their mistakes when you can't even be calm and patient with them?
Shaming Your Child For Anything Sex-Related
We've all been there. Once you hit puberty you start getting curious about all sorts of things. And as children we don't know what those feelings are and the correct way to handle them.
Instead of shaming your child for things like looking at pornography, teach them that their feelings are okay but that there are more appropriate ways to conduct themselves. Sexual education is one of the most important things to teach your kids.
Telling Them They Won't Get The Job They Want
This goes back to grades not being everything. You might think your child is struggling with behavior or grades, but these things aren't what defines them and can get better with some effort.
It's super important to encourage your child to do great things, not tell them that you think they are going to fail. You're supposed to support them, not discourage them.
Washing Their Mouth Out With Soap
This is so horrible and comparable to abuse. If your child swears, washing their mouth out with soap is not going to change their behavior. Also, haven't you read "for external use only" before?
Some parents don't even check to see if their soap is non-toxic. This can be so dangerous for a multitude of reasons. Treat your child like they are capable of learning without torturing them.
Telling Your Child They Are Talking Back When They're Just Trying To Explain Themselves
This is one of the most annoying things and so many parents are guilty of doing this. If you don't like what they are saying you tell them something like "no excuses" or "stop talking back".
Sometimes your child isn't trying to get away with what they were doing. Sometimes your kid just wants you to know that they didn;t mean to do anything bad and they want you to hear their side of the story. Stop invalidating their emotions.
Punishing Them When They Learned Their Lesson Already
Sometimes your kid gets it. Sometimes they even come to you and tells you the thing they did wrong because they realize that they shouldn't have done it. Recognize this and don't punish them further.
Punishment is meant to help your kid understand that they did something wrong, but if you punish them when they already understand, it's just going to feel like you want to hurt them for no reason.